Connect When Reasoning Fails

It truly feels like the question comes on the nights that I am most exhausted and eager to unwind. "Do you think I will have a nightmare mom?"

I try the short-cut and offer just enough reassurance. "It's not likely, just think of something else," I tell him. I should predict it by now, but that usually does not satisfy him. "How do you know" Well, of course I don't know for sure if he will have a nightmare. And all of the sudden I am stuck in the useless cycle of trying to reason my kiddo out of anxiety. It happens so quickly.

Perhaps you can relate. If you have an anxious child, you are likely familiar with the reasoning loop. You are probably also aware that it often does not work.  Sure, reasoning and reassuring your worried child feels more intuitive and the easiest way through anxiety for most people. But the more helpful responses are actually more about emotionally connecting with our anxious children. In fact, reasoning may actually make an anxious child feel much worse.

Reasoning in response to anxiety, makes us pay more attention to anxious thoughts in ways that cause the thoughts to get even bigger.  For our children reasoning often causes them to feel immense pressure, both from us and themselves, to eliminate anxious thoughts.  That pressure just escalates their emotions further. 

I get so excited about explaining the impact that emotional connection can have on children during anxious moments. Shifting from reasoning with them to emotionally connecting with them during these times can be really powerful and help them endure their anxiety much better. These times are literally tangible opportunities for us as mothers to model over and over again how God loves us and is present when we struggle and suffer. 

There are many ways to practice connecting during anxious moments. If you would like to start, let me leave you with a couple of suggestions you can use today.  The next time you have a child showing signs of anxiety, ask if you can sit with them.  If you notice physical symptoms your child may be having, point them out as you express empathy for how they must be feeling. This helps them with valuable self-awareness and shows them you are noticing them and not engaging their anxiety. That difference is important. You could tell him or her that you are there for them just like God is present for us. Psalm 46 is one passage that reminds us of that, and you could read it with your child. Verse one of the chapter states that “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." 

The next time my son is worried about having a nightmare, not doing something perfectly, or whatever else might pop into his mind, my personal goal is to take a moment to feel what it feels to be with him in those moments. Doing this during the hundreds of moments we experience with our children daily truly requires practice, patience, and great self-awareness. But I believe the benefits for our children are so worth it.

If you would like to know more about connecting with your anxious child or want to book a phone call with me to learn about my coaching courses, email me at layla@equippedcoaching.com.